So yesterday we left the house at 8:30 and didn’t get home till 7:30. It was a great day. Loved seeing the family and everyone. But I’m an introvert and I usually try to follow up a busy social weekend with a down day so I can recharge my batteries to the extent that is possible with four small children underfoot.
Unfortunately this morning we had the Verizon guy coming to set us up with new internet and cable service. He arrived at around 8:30 and didn’t leave till almost noon. Although he spent most of the time either outside or in the back room, still there was a stranger in my house or one who might come in at any minute. I wasn’t really able to relax and decompress even to the small extent I can usually do.
And then I’d scheduled a phone call during the afternoon rest time. One I really wanted to have with a dear friend I was excited to talk to. But again, not time I was recharging my batteries. After I got off the phone I tried to stay in my room with the door cracked so I could keep an ear out for the kids. Anthony was asleep and the other three seemed to play well for a while. But just knowing that someone might come in was enough to make it hard to really relax into any reading or writing.
So now that the kids are in bed I feel all my nerves jangling. I know I should spend time with Dom but I just can’t give anymore today my well is bone dry.
Worse, my prayer well is pretty dry too. I did sit down to say morning prayer this morning and as soon as I did both Ben and Sophie descended with cries of: “Read this!” And so I did. And so it seemed to go all morning. By the afternoon I’d given up on prayer. God seemed one more person clamoring for my attention when all I wanted was to hide in a hole. Even prayer seemed too social for my introvert nerves. One more relationship demand that wanted more than I felt capable of giving.
I know prayer should be a way to recharge, a well to go to when I need to fill my buckets. If it drains me then I’m probably doing it wrong. But there it is. If I’m doing it wrong then I’m certainly too tired tonight to figure out how to do it right. And maybe that’s where I need to be right now: just acknowledging my own limitations and asking for help to start over anew and to figure out where to go from here.
Thankfully there will be tomorrow. A new day for me to start again from scratch. I have no plans so far. Maybe we can go to some playground where the kids can run and I can sit and pretend to be alone. Maybe. I think I need another recharge day. And who knows maybe I’ll fit in some prayer too.
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