Today was my last appointment with my OB before the scheduled c-section. The next time I see her will be in the hospital, most likely in the OR. Somehow hearing that was like hitting an invisible wall. It opened some kind of emotional floodgate and when I left the office and sat down in my car I found myself wanting to cry. Perhaps a couple of tears even escaped and rolled down my face.
I remember being in a very similar emotional state the day I went to the hospital for my pre-testing just before Ben was born. On the way home from the hospital I cried and cried and cried. Today’s didn’t reach that level of sobbing; but it felt strange like I was at once overcome with the emotion and at the same time I was standing outside of it, observing it and wondering why it was.
I went to the grocery store and floated through as if in a dream, getting everything on my list, but not feeling like I was quite all there.
And then I got out to the car and when I went to plug in my iPhone so I could listen to some music on the way home, I saw that I’d missed a call from Dom. A terse voicemail asking me to call him as soon as I could. The tone made me catch my breath: What’s wrong? I called him back and he didn’t answer. I sent him a text and sat there in my car, waiting. I didn’t want to leave and have to take his return call while dealing with traffic.
Medical stuff. Not the worst kind of news; but not good news either. It’s going to mean a lot more appointments in the short term, some fairly radical lifestyle changes in the long term. Beginning now. (As if our life isn’t already about to change radically!) His next appointment is at the exact same time I’m scheduled to go to the hospital next Wednesday morning for my pre-admissions testing.
Part of me wants to scream: why does news like this have to drop into our laps and threaten to change everything when we’re already bracing for the new baby who is going to change everything? But then again, I trust that God knows what he’s doing. We just have to trust in him.
I spent some time this afternoon looking at my archives from July of 2009. Looking at what I’d written a bit, but mostly at the photos of Ben. Newborn, wonderful, precious Ben. And his joyful sisters. It seemed so overwhelming when I was anticipating a new baby. And yes when he got here there was a definite period of adjustment. But when I look back over those photos I don’t really remember the hardships. Only the joy.
With God’s help, we’ll climb this wall too and keep on going. Higher up and further in.