I just had this flash, a moment of insight, an epiphany if you will. I was standing at my kitchen sink washing the Desitin off my hands after changing Ben’s diaper, preparatory to serving Sophie a bowl of yogurt and suddenly I saw my life here at the end of the decade with the eyes of my younger self at the decade’s beginning. This is my fairy-tale ending! A wave of contentment and serenity washed over that sink full of dirty dishes, the kitchen floor covered with crumbs. This is what I always wanted. I’m really here. It was the moment in the book where the heroine pinches herself to make sure she isn’t dreaming.
She was so uncertain, that self, so very lonely and full of longing. There was a hole in her heart, an empty wasteland yearning to be filled. And, as if a veil pulled back and she was able to reach out and glimpse me, here, in my busy crazy mess of a household, I suddenly saw everything here and now as pure joy, wondrous gift.
It’s not that I’m always happy. It’s not that I don’t have worries or fears or doubts. I’m frequently stressed and often impatient. And yet I am certain now that I am living out my vocation, that I am doing what I’m supposed to be doing. No, it’s not happiness; it’s joy, even in the midst of pain and sorrow.
That hole in my heart has been filled. My heart is overflowing now and there are dreams for the future certainly but no more restless longing. Ah how blessed I am, how truly blessed. The Lord has done great things for me and I am filled with joy.