On Friday my OB reassured me that I was feeling as bad as I was going to feel and that by my next appt I’d hopefully be starting to feel better. He was wrong. I feel much, much worse.
Yesterday I threw up twice. Ok, I thought, that’s the natural result of a sleepless night. But after nine solid hours of sleep last night, I’ve spent this morning lying on the sofa, trying not to be sick. Dozing while Bella tears up the house and occasionally comes by to pat my shoulder with her sweet, “Mama, mama,” and plays with my toes under the blanket.
Now I’m sipping ginger ale and nibbling on Parmesan goldfish. Which Bella makes me share with her, of course. That’s settling my stomach a bit.
The thing is, I know it can get still worse. I remember how bad it got when I was pregnant with Bella. I’m not congratulating myself that I’m out of the woods yet.
From the linked article- “The disconnect may boil down to a difference in definitions. Play doesn’t have to entail Thomas the Tank Engine or Bratz dolls or Legos, Goldsmith said. It can be as simple as repairing a fence or making cookies. ” The article notes that the study author does not define “play.”
I get bored with Thomas, too, but I try to play what the children want at least some of the time. Mostly, though, I’d rather spend time reading to them, or working on things like folding laundry together, baking muffins together, drawing, etc. So, yeah, I think it matters how you define “play.”
Also, I think it’s not as imperative that a parent sit down and play with a child when they have siblings who are eager to do so, instead. When my 4.5 and 2.5 year old are busy playing together I sometimes feel like I get in the way if I insert myself into their imaginary world!
You know, I was trying to approach this in my own way on my blog recently, but it was badly misunderstood. My approach is different from yours since I don’t homeschool, but I still believe in maximizing the time I spend with my children in any given day! And I think that more value needs to be placed on similar efforts, and that even when parents do engage in other activities, not shooing the children away to sports & activities—just keeping them around—enriches all of our lives!
By “other activities” I mean grad school or work, or similar out-of-the house and occasionally away from the children pursuits! Everyone engages in “other pursuits”!
“Also, I think it’s not as imperative that a parent sit down and play with a child when they have siblings who are eager to do so, instead. When my 4.5 and 2.5 year old are busy playing together I sometimes feel like I get in the way if I insert myself into their imaginary world!”
I totally agree. Even if they don’t have siblings, I think it’s good for them to play by themselves.
What I almost wrote last night, but didn’t because the post felt like it was losing focus, is that Bella spends an awful lot of her day playing independently. She roams the house, pulls out toys, looks out windows, opens and shuts cupboards and drawers, pages through books.
I try to give her my full attention when she seeks me out, which she does frequently. It’s then that I pull her onto my lap and read to her. or get down on the floor and play with her. But mostly I let her do her own thing. Playtime for us happens in short spontaneous spurts, mostly when I’m changing her diaper, giving her a bath, or she seems upset and needs attention. I spend the bulk of my day doing my own thing while she does her own thing and I think that’s good.
Literacy chich,
I totally understood what you were getting at with ” even when parents do engage in other activities, not shooing the children away to sports & activities—just keeping them around—enriches all of our lives!” I could see myself doing what you do because I do spend much of my day engaged in other my own pursuits. (I just find the academic environment I’ve been in has it’s own stresses for me that I’d rather not put myself through unless I have to.)
Even when Isabella was a baby, I’d frequently put her on the floor to play at my feet while I grabbed a little time to read or blog. I never thought she needed my complete, undivided attention 24/7. I don’t want her to be dependent on me for entertainment; but I want to be around when she needs me and I want to spend time each day focusing on her and having fun with her.
I want her to be her own person, to explore her world and I think we’ve achieved a good balance. And I think she’s a very confident, happy person because of that. My sister-in-law says Bella has hardly noticed that I’m gone when I leave her at their house while I go to my doctor’s appts. I’m sure she’ll go through the separation anxiety stage like all kids do, but right now she’s used to my being in another room and she doesn’t need me in her line of sight at all times.
I’d add that what I’ve read about certain Montessori principles really appeals to me. I like the idea of giving children real work to do. For little ones, doing adult work can actually be a form of play. Just like now Bella imitates me by playing at talking on the phone, I anticipate as she gets older there will be more tasks that she and I can share which I might consider work but for her will be a form of play.
Oh yeah, academia has definite stresses!
I also agree with letting children play by themselves. I feel guilty sometimes because I don’t do enough with them when we’re all home, but I don’t buy into the mindset that the child must be kept entertained (by the parents, daycare worker, etc.) at all times. That was an argument that a friend gave me about why she puts her son in full-time child care. It sets rather a bad precedent though.
“It sets rather a bad precedent though.”
I’ve felt the same guilt. But then I look at one of my nieces, the oldest of four, and my sister-in-law says she’s the one who causes all the trouble, is constantly demanding all her attention. I can’t help but wonder if my s-i-l didn’t spend too much time entertaining her when she was younger and she never really learned to play by herself. At the time she was the first child in their group of friends and between her mom and the other adults, including several babysitters, I suspect she had that kind of constant attention. The other children are quite good at independent playing and not nearly so demanding.
Applying the “Grandma said” Rule, I’m not buying it.
The “Grandma Said” Rule is this: if you replace “experts say/Studies claim” with “Grandma Said” and it still makes sense, the study’s valid. If it doesn’t, then it isn’t.
As I said to you last night, Melanie, I wonder if some of those parents have surly uncommunicative and rebellious teens. Not that it lets them off the hook, but as you say, there’s just not enough data in the indirect quote to say one way or other.
But it is such a tragedy that so many parents just don’t enjoy spending time with their families. So they book the kids’ schedules full, dad goes off with his buddies, mom goes off with her friends, and they’re a family because they sleep under one roof and get together for holidays.
How much of that, I wonder, is the repeated insistence of the chattering class that Mom especially, but Dad too, need self-actualization and to pursue what fulfills them, yada yada?