Remembering

oops, meant to post this yesterday (2/25) but forgot.

One year ago today I woke up after a night with strong cramping, pretty sure I was losing the baby. But it was a Sunday morning and I ignored the pains and started to get ready for mass anyway. It was only when I’d got Bella dressed and we were ready to walk out the door that I started to have second thoughts and so instead of heading for the church we headed for the emergency room. It was, to quote one of Bella’s current favorite books, a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. We lost baby Francis after just two short months of pregnancy.

A while back I realized that the anniversary of this day would fall just days before another important date on my calendar: the due date for the new baby. Truly God is amazing and he works in mysterious ways.

There is an empty spot in my heart, in my life, a place that will never be filled. God gave and he took away, blessed be the name of the Lord. I think knowing how to mourn this miscarriage is especially difficult. There is no grave to visit, there are no physical mementos of the life that was so briefly here and gone. I am very grateful, therefore, to my sister who found a perfect way to commemorate the brief life of Francis Bettinelli. When we were visiting in January, she presented us with this small mug with the initials FB. It is the latest addition to a matched set made by her roommate, the first pair Dom and I received as wedding presents, the medium sized addition sometime after Bella was born. Now I finally have a physical token, something I can look at, hold, point to, a reminder.

 

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