Late night, can’t sleep

It’s very late and I’m very tired, and the baby is finally asleep; but somehow I can’t sleep. Maybe it’s partly the knowledge that as soon as I drift off she’ll wake wanting to eat. Also the fifteen different blog entries I’m composing in my head. So much to say, no time to write.

She was fussy tonight. Dom was tired and frustrated when I got out of the shower. We took turns trying to soothe her but nothing seemed to work. Generally she’s easy, but even easy babies have their exasperating times when you’ve done everything: the diapers been changed, she’s already eaten, she’s burped and still she’s unconsolable. Maybe she needs to sleep, but she’s not anywhere near sleeping. Her dark eyes are wide, wide open.

I was holding her when she finally drifted off, mid-wail, as I sang “Hush little baby, don’t you cry, momma’s gonna sing you a lullabye…” But was it my singing or had she finally just run herself down? Who knows.

Like I said, she’s an easy baby. Last night she had one three hour stretch and one almost five hour stretch of sleep. And that’s not unusual. I’ve generally been getting at least two longish blocks of time. Fortunately for me, we haven’t been sleeping on a set schedule and as long as I get the hours in it doesn’t bug me so much that they aren’t all in a block. True, this might change as the weeks wear on, it’s early days yet. But now the lack of sleep is generally not too bad. Though there will be at least one moment in every day when I’ll dispute that statement, when I’m exhausted and frustrated and she’s wailing or eating and I just want to close my eyes and sleep. The main thing is to let those moments remain moments and not let them take over the whole day. So far, so good. I’ll keep taking it one day at a time, though.

Of course, looking at the big picture, it can all seem so overwhelming. Knowing it will be weeks and months of more of the same. We sit down to dinner with Dom’s mother and Bella decides it’s time for her dinner. So off we go. And half an hour later I’m able to have some cold chicken, potatos, sqash and corn on the cob. A good meal, worth waiting for. But it would have been nice to eat with company. Reminded Dom of the mother in A Christmas Story who never got to eat a hot meal.

The big picture. Hard enough adjusting to this new person in our family, these new roles for ourselves. Hard recovering from surgery. But the loss of Dom’s job, adding that uncertainty about the future. That sometimes makes it seem more than we can handle. I know it’s wearing on him, the worry about providing for Bella and for me. But at the same time we do have confidence that God will somehow see us through this time. Even if at moments that confidence seems hard to grasp, a faint flicker and not a bright beacon of hope.

I’m starting to have more energy, though. We’ll see what the doctor says tomorrow when I go for my two week visit. I’m hoping he’ll ok me for more activity. Maybe we can start to do walks to the park. If the weather clears up, of course. Today I did a couple of loads of laundry… Dom carried the clothes to the basement for me and will bring it up tomorrow. I also made the squash and potatos. Yesterday morning I half-heartedly vacuumed the kitchen floor while my oatmeal was cooking. But I’m trying not to push it. I’m trying to squeeze in naps instead of chatting on the phone, blogging, or surfing the net. Hard to get used to limiting myself so much. I wish I could figure out how to breastfeed and be on the computer at the same time. I’m sure it will come. Already I’m reading while she eats. Sure, I do some soulful gazing into her eyes. But when she spends hours a day eating, that doesn’t fill all the time. So I’ve got my pile of books: a homeschooling book, a baby book, a Wodehouse novel, the Liturgy of the Hours. One of them usually fits my mood. It gives me a nice balance. Sometimes I even read aloud to her, usually from the divine office, though today I read one of her picture books, the one Evy gave us about the little pig with the Noah’s ark blanket. Very cute. And appropriate since Bella has a Noah’s ark blanket made by her aunt.

Now that my parents are gone I’ve shifted from the rocking chair in the living room to our bed for feedings. It makes night feedings easier and I just haven’t felt like shifting all my props and stuff out to the living room during the day… makes naps easier too. The living room has been cold the last couple of days with the rain, too. Bed has lots of warm snuggly blankets. Today I even had a nice hot cup of tea, I got so cold and just couldn’t warm up.

Anyway, I think I’ll try bed again. Maybe getting at least some thoughts down will let my poor tired brain stop worrying. I hope it doesn’t just shift to the next blog topic. It really will take all night if I have to type them all up before I can sleep. In a way this was much easier when I wrote in a spiral notebook. I like the blog format but it is a bit limiting because the laptop doesn’t fit so snugly beside the bed for late night restless journaling.

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