“A time to weep, and a time to laugh”
by Melanie Bettinelli on March 07, 2007
I keep waiting for the curtain to fall, for the storm to break, for the crush of grief, the uncontrollable sobs, the weight, the anguish, the pain. And yet I spend much more time laughing with Isabella than crying. My eyes are dry, my heart is light. I’d probably be sleeping well at night if it weren’t for Bella’s crying and Dom’s snoring.
I don’t think it’s numbness. I’m a pretty reflective person. Very self-aware, sometimes agonizingly so. I don’t think I’m in denial, repressing emotions, avoiding the truth. I could be wrong, but I don’t think the bogeyman of devastation is waiting in the shadows to ambush me when I least expect it.
And I kind of feel like a traitor. So many people have reached out, extended their condolences, shared their stories and their grief. And I’ve stumbled across more stories, like Jill’s story of losing her father to cancer right after her seventh miscarriage. I feel like I don’t belong in that company of sorrowing women, me sailing along under sunny skies with me heart full of laughter. I don’t know how to respond to the kind words and grim half smiles of sympathy, the squeezed shoulder and the condolences of friends.I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m trivializing other women’s suffering or failing to empathize with those losses. I understand that their experiences are not mine, that their pain is deeper, their path much harder than mine. I’ve cried as I’ve read their stories. I understand their pain as much as anyone who hasn’t felt it can, which is admittedly not much. I just don’t understand why I’m not feeling the same things.
For other women miscarriage has been a cross, a burden. I have had my own crosses and I am certain I will not escape my share of suffering. But this is evidently not my season to grieve. This loss is not a heavy cross for me to bear. I don’t know why. I don’t understand. It’s a mystery how God has eased my pain and lightened my load.
I know not everyone grieves the same way. And I know each loss is unique. One person may respond quite differently to two different losses. I know that if I had lost Bella, if that first pregnancy had ended in miscarriage, my reaction would be very different.
So in my bewilderment and confusion, I turn to prayer. I pray for all parents who have lost children, that they may be consoled and their load lightened. I pray for God’s mercy and compassion for all those suffering pain and loss. And I pray that I might accept this season for what it is.
That’s what I wrote two nights ago in a blog entry I never finished, never posted.
Now the other shoe has dropped, the storm has hit, like a tornado out of a blue sky. And I’m reeling. And suddenly I understand why God’s grace has protected me (us really, because though I write in the first person, Dom is my companion in everything) from feeling that pain. He had other plans. Another, different, cross for me to bear.
My doctor called yesterday afternoon and asked me to come in for a biopsy. He originally wanted me to go in last night after dinner, but then had to cancel because he had two patients in active labor at the hospital.
So I went in this morning. And before he performed the procedure he explained why he wanted to do it. The tissue from the miscarriage they routinely send to the pathologist. Mine came back with bad results: I have uterine cancer. Early stages, it seems and in the mildest form.
But because my age and my recent pregnancies make such a diagnosis unlikely, he wanted to do a biopsy to confirm those findings. The results will be back on Monday. Until then we wait and pray.
If the results confirm that I do have cancer, the usual treatment is a hysterectomy.
Please pray for us.
Dom reminds me that “openness to life” means accepting God’s will. Whether that be for many children or few or none. And I know that. But saying it and living it are, of course, two different things. When your heart yearns for children, you don’t want to hear a no.
Dear God, please, please, please let this cup pass away from me. But at the same time: “I am the handmaiden of the Lord. Let it be done unto me according to your word.” Give me the strength to carry whatever cross I must carry. And let me continue to thank you for all the blessings I have been given and praise your name.
“Oh that I had wings like a dove
to fly away and be at rest.
So I would escape far away
and take refuge in the desert.I would hasten to find a shelter from the raging wind,
from the destructive storm, O Lord…Entrust your cares to the Lord
and he will support you.
He will never allow
the just man to stumble….O Lord, I will trust in you.”
I was torn about whether to write anything more than my generic request for prayers. At least until Monday when we hear for certain. But then I sat down to write, saw the unposted blog entry and felt a need to finish it. I think writing helps me deal with the tempest raging inside. And I also am hoping that my posts are doing some good. That they are more than just venting my spleen.
Update:
related entries:
Comments
Dearest Melanie,
I don’t know you personally, but I am so very, very sorry for this. I have nothing else to say that I can think of that could comfort you. May God bless you, Dom, and Isabella. Please be assured of my prayers for all of you.
Posted by marymargaret on 03/8/07 at 02:07 AM
I am so sorry; we will pray for you and your family.
Posted by Nora Cannon on 03/8/07 at 08:20 AM
Melanie,
I usually post on your husband’s blog. I was following your pregnancy on Et-tu Jen’s. I didn’t comment when you lost your baby, because I’m horrible with words when it comes to grief. But I want to let you know your family are in my prayers. Renee
Posted by Renee A. on 03/8/07 at 08:39 AM
God knows you are strong enough to handle this…my prayers will be offered up for you…
Posted by Lynne on 03/8/07 at 08:50 AM
Prayers continue.
Posted by Dale Price on 03/8/07 at 08:56 AM
Dear Melanie,
While we’ve never met, it has been so exciting for me to watch Dom meet, fall in love, get married and start a family with you. I really was hoping you guys couda moved here for the editorial job that was open, so that I could meet you finally!!
So all that to say that through this odd community of online discussions you are as real to me as if I’d met you. My heart goes out toboth of you and know that you will be in my prayers.
I’m going to Rome, which seems to have many saints for some reason…;-) . Prayers will be said at each place.
Blessings,
Jen
Posted by JenBrown on 03/8/07 at 09:01 AM
Melanie, I’m a regular reader of Dom’s blog and come here occasionally. Please know that you will all be in my prayers through whatever is to come.
Posted by KatieButler on 03/8/07 at 09:04 AM
Prayers are being said that everything will turn out all right. I will also pray that you and your family have divine peace while waiting for the results. God bless you!
Posted by Cherie B on 03/8/07 at 09:04 AM
Melanie, There are no words except that I am praying. We are praying for you at 4RealLearning Boards, also. The wait until Monday is agonizing. I have a retreat this weekend that I will offer up for your intentions.
Posted by Jennifer G. Miller on 03/8/07 at 09:59 AM
Melanie, I am so sorry to hear this. Myself and my family will include you in our rosary intentions.
Posted by Suzanne Temple on 03/8/07 at 10:16 AM
Melanie-
I will keep vigil for you this weekend in prayer. My heart goes out to your beautiful family.
Posted by Maria Ashwell on 03/8/07 at 10:25 AM
I add my voice…
luminousmiseries.ca
[url=href=“http://onionboy.ca”>onionboy.ca[/url]
Posted by onionboy on 03/8/07 at 10:33 AM
Passing through from another blog. I add my prayers. Though probably of little comfort, know that you have blessed me today.
Posted by Thia on 03/8/07 at 10:35 AM
Oh, Melanie, so many prayers are coming your way from our house ....
Posted by Karen E. on 03/8/07 at 10:52 AM
Melanie,
You are and will continue to be in my prayers.
Keep a positive mental attitude, prepare for a fight and take good care of yourself. I have a premonition that you’re going to come through this with flying colors. God bless you and your family.
Posted by Peggy on 03/8/07 at 11:00 AM
Melanie,
I remember you from UD. I have popped in here a few times in the past year or two. I think I first recognized you when I saw the wedding pictures your husband posted. I wanted to tell you now that I will keep you in my prayers for as long as you need it!
Posted by Matilda on 03/8/07 at 11:13 AM
Oh, my dear! You and Dom have my most heartfelt prayers.
Posted by Cay on 03/8/07 at 11:23 AM
Dear Melanie, I’ve never met you either, but as a fellow mom my heart goes out to you and your family at this sad news. Prayers definitely going up for all of you. “Be strong, let your heart take courage, hope in the Lord”. And may He enfold you in His arms and comfort you. God bless you.
Posted by Patricia Gonzalez on 03/8/07 at 11:24 AM
Melanie,
My family and I will keep you in our rosaries and heartfelt prayers. We will pray for Blessed Mother Teresa’s intercession!
God love you!
Posted by Donna Marie on 03/8/07 at 11:58 AM
Prayers continue—for strength and docility to God’s plan, which is to be preferred to all things. But also hoping that His plan is filled with life and goodness.
Posted by gsk on 03/8/07 at 12:02 PM
Our family will keep you in prayer…
Posted by Maria on 03/8/07 at 12:06 PM
Melanie,
I am so sorry. We will keep you in our prayers, that God will hold and protect you, and that perhaps this will not be your cross to bear. We will ask for the intercession of Mother Teresa, St Joseph, and Fr. Stanislaus Papczyński. You have been in my thoughts every day, and I’m so happy you have Dom and Bella to help you through this difficult time.
Posted by betsya on 03/8/07 at 12:13 PM
May God give you the grace to face whatever it is that lies ahead for you. You are loved.
Posted by sarah l. on 03/8/07 at 12:14 PM
Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.
Prayers, of course. +
Posted by Debbie on 03/8/07 at 12:35 PM
Our prayers are with you, Melanie.
Posted by Kristen Laurence on 03/8/07 at 12:39 PM
I’m praying for you, too, Melanie. I don’t know you, but I have two siblings who battled cancer and are now very healthy. I will remember you and your family in my prayers today.
Posted by Anne McD on 03/8/07 at 12:54 PM
God never does explain Himself, does He? He passes out these gifts and expects us to deal with them. I can sympathize with your grief because I have just been diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer—the agressive kind that is cured at most 50% of the time.
But God is good, and He has a plan for your life and for mine. We simply must trust Him to bring goodness out of our circumstances. He has never failed to do that for me in past crises, and He will do it this time as well. He will do the same for you and Dom.
When the going gets rough, pray for the grace of courage. That has been such an invaluable prayer for me over the last couple of weeks as I went through the biopsy and got the final diagnosis yesterday.
Posted by Carrie on 03/8/07 at 01:03 PM
Oh, I’m speechless. Our prayers are with you.
Posted by mrsdarwin on 03/8/07 at 01:12 PM
Melanie, I’m speechless and in tears. I will pray that this cup passes from you and that you will be strong. I will ask the intercession of St Gianna Beretta Molla for all of you.
Posted by bearing on 03/8/07 at 01:43 PM
and for you too Carrie. (just saw your post) I entrust you to the enclosed garden of the Immaculate Heart of Mary.
Posted by bearing on 03/8/07 at 01:45 PM
Blessed Mother,
Wrap your comforting mantle gently on your Holy Family. Keep them safely in your loving care. Intercede for their future family needs.
In the Holy name of Jesus.
Amen.
Posted by Karen on 03/8/07 at 02:09 PM
Melanie, I am completely shocked and so very, very sorry. I am praying for you and Dom.
Posted by Julie D. on 03/8/07 at 02:32 PM
So sorry, Melanie. I’ll pray for you and your family.
Posted by Rick Lugari on 03/8/07 at 04:37 PM
Melanie:
Words truly fail me. Luckily, that’s why we have prayers. May God strengthen and bless you and Dom.
Posted by "Father Barry" on 03/8/07 at 04:38 PM
Melanie, this is shocking. I can’t tell you how sorry I am to read this. You and Dom are definitely in my prayers.
Posted by Jennifer F. on 03/8/07 at 04:53 PM
Melanie, like I posted on your DH’s blog. Your family’s intentions will be in my daily prayers.
God bless,
Posted by Esther on 03/8/07 at 05:55 PM
Lift you up in prayer, Melanie.
Posted by Debbe on 03/8/07 at 06:18 PM
Wow. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. I hope I don’t sound cruel when I tell you what you have gone through is some of the stuff of my nightmares. We will certainly be praying for all of you in this time.
Posted by Daisy on 03/8/07 at 06:30 PM
Melanie,
You are in our prayers. Prayers also for Dom and your family.
Keep posting about your progress.
Posted by Kevin on 03/8/07 at 06:41 PM
Melanie,
I’m so very sorry. My prayers are with you. My husband and I each attend a Thursday evening prayer group. All of us there will remember you tonight.
Posted by Melody on 03/8/07 at 07:06 PM
I am praying for you.
Posted by veronica on 03/8/07 at 07:43 PM
God is with you, walking beside you, as is your little one. And you are surrounded by all of our prayers.
Posted by Lenor on 03/8/07 at 08:52 PM
Hi Melanie, you are in my prayers. I know you must be overwhelmed right now, I will remember you when I make a holy hour later this evening.
Posted by Amy on 03/8/07 at 09:12 PM
I will remember and pray for you and your husband when I assist at Mass. May God protect all of you.
Posted by Deacon John M. Bresnahan on 03/8/07 at 09:55 PM
I’m sorry to hear your news. Wishing the best to you and your family.
Posted by MCNS on 03/8/07 at 10:13 PM
I am praying for your complete and total good health!
Posted by Elena on 03/8/07 at 10:34 PM
Hello, Melanie. This is “one of those weird Carmelites” and one very familiar with suffering for sure. My heart is with you and your family and I am on the job praying for you all in a 54-day rosary novena. May God console you, increase the strength of your soul, preserve your life and grant you, if it is his sweet and merciful will, more little ones to praise him and bring you joy. No matter what may he continue to grant you the grace to conform your heart to his so that you may run lightly in his paths. With love, S.
Posted by Shawn Pauc on 03/8/07 at 10:57 PM
Melanie and Dom: This is TiaKay from the CAPP Moms blog…
I’ve been offline for sometime, and hadn’t heard the news of your pregnancy, nor of the loss, and I just saw this last bit.
Having lost three, my heart goes out to you in the sorrow and loss you must feel. It’s a LOUSY club of which to be a member.
And now you have to wait until Monday. I’m storming heaven for a good report, and for the grace and strength to bear whatever may be.
When we lost our last baby, I could tangibly feel the strength of all the prayers we were receiving, both from folks IRL, and from online pals.
Be assured of our prayers.
God bless, TiaKay and the whole Kay gang…. <<<hugs>>>
Posted by Tia Kay on 03/8/07 at 11:10 PM
I will offer many prayers for you, Melanie.
Posted by Rebecca on 03/8/07 at 11:56 PM
Nothing that happens lately makes much sense to me, but I said another prayer for you and I will continue. I’m sure God kows what He’s doing, but sometimes we hage to just give him the benefit of the doubt.
...So we’re sending many prayrs and goo wishes!
Karen, Chris and kids
Posted by Karen Hall on 03/9/07 at 01:17 AM
Praying for you now, will be praying for you when I go to adoration in a few hours.
Much love.
Posted by Meg Q on 03/9/07 at 05:52 AM
Please know of my prayers for the both of you at this time.
Posted by Dismas on 03/9/07 at 10:12 AM
more prayers for you and your family…
Posted by stephanie on 03/9/07 at 10:16 AM
De-lurking to say ...
I am so sorry - you are in my prayers.
Posted by Susan Gandt on 03/9/07 at 10:38 AM
Praying…
Posted by Matt C. Abbott on 03/9/07 at 12:13 PM
I am offering my suffering this month for you, may Christ give you peace of mind and consolation, and may you be spared this great cross.
Posted by Rachel on 03/9/07 at 12:41 PM
Melanie - I’ve been in prayer for you since hearing about this, and have added you to my ‘pre-Mass’ prayers before daily Mass. I may shoot you an email later, when I can actually compose an email without getting all blurry from tears.
Posted by Jen on 03/9/07 at 12:56 PM
Melanie,
I am offering prayers for you and as well I will remember you in my intentions when I pray the Rosary and when I offer up my intentions at Mass today.
Remember what St. Paul tells us “I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.”
God will give you the strength you need. May He bless you abundantly with all the graces you (and Dom) need.
Posted by Chris on 03/9/07 at 01:34 PM
I know at this time you are swirling in a tidalwave of uncertainty. Know that God has a wonderful plan for your life. When we could no longer have chidren we found that God had formed our family before we knew they existed. Through foster care adoption we found 3 princes. They are our God given family known only to Him until he revealed His plan to us. God is holding you. He made the time you’re living in. The answers for your future are already formed to be revealed in His time.
Prayers are with you for this part of your journey and for the next.
Shelly
Posted by Shelly on 03/9/07 at 02:56 PM
Melanie,
I came to this post via Julie at Happy Catholic. I’m so sorry to read about what you and your family are going through. Please know that I join all the others here in praying for your health, strength and peace.
May all our prayers lighten the load of this cross. May you feel the Presence of Jesus and His Mother Mary with you at all times.
God bless you!
Judy M.
Posted by Judy M. on 03/9/07 at 05:53 PM
Melanie:
Praying for your strength and Dom’s as you bear this cross.
Take care -
Posted by Joanne Meegan on 03/9/07 at 07:00 PM
Dear Melanie,
I don’t know you, but I would recommend Our Lady of Lourdes especially. Get Loudes water and drink it and pray. It is truly miraculous. We went to Lourdes in 1981 and brought some back in palstic bottles. It sat on a shelf next to the stove, a warm and damp environment. Next to it we had jars of holy water (Three Kings water from Epiphany) which were two or three years old when we moved and packed in 2001. There was algae growing in the bottom of the holy water. The 22-year old Lourdes water had none and it was sitting in same damp environment!
Also look into alternative treatments. Get a second opinion etc.
My brother had had a brain tumor treated with the usual surgery, radiation, chemo. It stopped growing sufficiently. Then it spread to his colon. Again he had the surgery and chemo and then stopped because it was expensive and he was given a year to live. I had some essiac tea which is an old American Indian recipe(one of the alternatives mentioned in Dr. Whittaker’s special report) I brewed it and sent it to him and he got better. The doctors are all mystified. It is cheaper to put the ingredients which are certain herbs together yourself.
Now there are others. Some may be more appropriate for your kind of cancer than others. IV megadoses of Vitamin C have been quite effective for some kinds.
Here is an ad for organized information about alternative treatments:
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Posted by LvB on 03/9/07 at 07:24 PM
Hi Melanie, you and your family will be in my prayers this weekend, and I will certainly check back on Monday so that I can praise God right along with you, regardless of the results. I thought that you might appreciate this article about another ‘let this cup pass’ moment.
I Will if I Have To, but Please Don’t Ask Me.
(My Gethsemane)
by Catherine Fournier
http://www.domestic-church.com/CONTENT.DCC/19990301/STORIES/gethsemane.htm
With many prayers,
Faustina.
Posted by Faustina on 03/9/07 at 08:12 PM
I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are experiencing this and that I pray that whatever miracle you are praying for comes to pass. This is a very difficult thing and I don’t want to add my personal story to what you are feeling; I am simply praying for you and your family.
God’s blessings and peace.
Posted by ~m2~ on 03/10/07 at 12:01 AM
I will keep you, Dom, and Bella in my prayers. May He give you the strength to carry whatever cross he asks you to take up.
Posted by David B. on 03/10/07 at 07:44 AM
Melanie. It has been a while since I have seen you and when I got the posting from your dad on our myfamily.com website I wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers. I wish you the best and know that all is going to be ok! Take care and hopefully we can see you at the next family reunion!
Posted by Kathryn Scott on 03/14/07 at 12:13 PM
The next tests (hysteroscopy and d&c) are scheduled for April 13 at 7:30 am.
It seems like a very long time to wait, but the doctor sounds pretty confident that he won’t find anything. The original diagnosis was simply so unlikely. He said it just didn’t make sense.
It’ll be just a day surgery and he said they won’t even use general anesthesia so recovery shouldn’t be too bad.
Thanks again for all the prayers. I continue to be overwhelmed by the blessings of so many prayers which make visible in my life the presence of the Body of Christ.
God bless all of you.
Posted by Melanie Bettinelli on 03/17/07 at 08:28 PM
Hello Melanie….
I tried writing you sooner but I am not sure if it went through or not. But you are in my prayers. I was so sad to hear your news. Y’all are so precious and I thank God for the gift of your family. With out Dom’s blogs I would not have a clue of what is going on in our church. Take care…see you in the summer at P2BC…
Posted by Tara on 03/20/07 at 09:02 PM