The Wine-Dark Sea

My gang, enjoying today’s beautiful weather. Is it February or April?

1. So our Valentines Day was very nice, though low key. Dom brought me flowers and chocolates and a card…. and BBQ take-out because I totally lost it over figuring out what to do for dinner. The kids and I made Valentines cards. Or I tried to make one. When Dom came home mine was still unfinished. Not that he minded at all.

Paper dolls, Bella style.

2. After a while though Bella got bored with pasting hearts on paper and began to make her own creations. She brought me an “outfit” that she had made.

A beautiful bride!

A tall yellow dress form with arms and blue shoes. She told me it was a wedding dress. Later she added a blue head and a blue veil that was longer than the dress. Then she drew a face on it and added a heart sticker.

Bride doll with veil

She also made a black bridesmaid with green high heels. And a family, mom, dad, and children that never got heads.

Bridesmaid with green high heels

Sophie’s children

Sophie made some people too, figures cobbled together with little scraps of red paper.

3. Have I mentioned that Anthony is walking now? He’s been making strides for weeks and now he’s probably at about 75-80% walking to about 25-20% crawling. He’s slimmed down considerably, just as everyone said he would, though he’s still a pretty chubby guy. And he’s going to be one on Monday!

4. Today Ben had me reading Curious George backward. He likes to open books to the back. This time he was turning the pages for me while I nursed Anthony. I think he knew it was funny to read it backward. When we got to the title page he made me read it to him twice. And he laughed. At least reading backwards is a nice change of pace.

5. Bella doesn’t just play with beads, she becomes a jeweler making fine jewelry and selling it to support her family. I just love her imagination.

Bella at Ikea

Yet another reason to homeschool. I would be so sad to miss all the Bella stories if she weren’t here all day. I’d be sad not to see her playing so sweetly with her sister. Oh of course they fight; but they really are the best of friends and I love the way they work together.

Sophie at Ikea

Anthony at Ikea

6. This weekend we went to Ikea and bought some more shelves to deal with the overflowing clutter of the school books and art supplies in the dining room and the mess of the pantry. Then on Sunday we moved the furniture. The futon went from the living room to the office and two bookcases went from the office to the living room. How is it possible that both rooms feel bigger and more open? The kids all seem to be enjoying the change. We should probably rearrange the furniture every February.

Dom and Ben at Ikea

7. Today the weather was lovely and after naps we all went to play outside. I pulled Anthony around in the wagon, first with Ben and then with Sophie. Then Ben pulled Anthony. The weather has been so very mild this winter, a nice change from last winter when we were buried for months under feet of snow.

Ben pulls Anthony in the wagon. I couldn’t believe he could actually do it.

This week’s Quick Takes are being hosted by the lovely Betty Beguiles.

It’s really late now, after the feast of the Presentation so the Christmas season is gone no matter how you stretch the definition. But I wanted to write a bit about the books the kids got for Christmas and Epiphany. Perhaps it’s just as well that I’m only getting to it now because I can fill in a little about which have been favorites.

[Sorry about the Amazon buttons. I really prefer the look of the images without the “buy now” buttons; but they take twice as long to cut and paste into the blog as the pre-made button. And yes, we do get a little bit of money for the Bettinelli book fund if you buy after clicking through from one of our links. Thank you for supporting our book addiction]

I’ve already packed away the Christmas books so I can’t remember all the new ones we got. I know we did enjoy these two:

The Donkey’s Dream—we didn’t get to read it more than a few times before the Christmas book were packed away; but I love the way the book delves into traditional Marian imagery. The kids might not understand it all; but boy did they get it.

Joy to the World Tomie de Paola, a great collection of some of his best Christmas stories. It duplicates a couple we already have but it’s nice to have them all in one volume. And Sophie really loved the story of Los Posadas, though it was the way that you love a roller coaster or a haunted house, a delicious scare with the devils paired with the reassurance of the familiar Biblical Nativity Story characters.

Georgia O’Keeffe by Georgia O’Keeffe This isn’t a children’s picture book, strictly speaking, but I believe in giving kids books with real art and it is entirely suitable for young children. We’d checked this one out from the library last fall and the girls loved it and I loved it. Even Ben liked looking at the pictures. Georgia O’Keeffe is one of my favorite painters so I love being able to share her with my children. I saw an exhibit of her work at the Dallas Museum of Art many years ago and I still treasure that experience among all my experiences of looking at paintings. There is something marvelous about Georgia.

What is truly wonderful about this book, which I didn’t realize the first time we had it, is that it is a book by Georgia and not one about her. Consider these notes from her Acknowledgements for the original edition:

I wish to thank William Einstein, a painter, who died some years ago, for urging me in the early thirties to write about my painting.

He went away and I forgot about it until Virgina Robertson found the writing a few years ago and encouraged me to continue.

Juan Hamilton has helped me with this book for the last three years and has taken care of many details, from collecting the paintings and arranging the photography to working with the color proofs and layout.

I love that the text is all Georgia’s own words about her art rather than some art critic’s explanation. It is a delightful window into her own thoughts about the paintings and is so fresh and vibrant. Bella loved when I read it to her. She wouldn’t let me stop but kept begging for more and more and more. She said the words helped her to see the pictures and to understand them.

It’s a big book, large full-color panels. Luscious. This copy is an ex-library copy with that nice durable library binding. I don’t feel so worried about the kids paging through it because it’s already stood up to quite a bit and it isn’t new and crisp.

Emily by Michael Bedard pictures by Barbara Cooney
This is a sweet little story about a girl who meets Emily Dickinson. Even though Bella has no previous acquaintance with Dickinson, she loves this picture book. Of course, she’s already predisposed to love everything by Barbara Cooney. Reading this book along with A Snow Story has prompted Bella to begin asking, “What’s a poem?” She thought she knew but both of these books present very metaphorical definitions of poetry, which puzzle her because she is still a very concrete thinker in many ways. Some day soon I need to use this book as a launch pad to get us into more Dickinson. I think Bella would like that very much.

Emma by Wendy Kesselman illustrated by Barbara Cooney A story about a 72 year old grandmother who takes up painting when her family present her with a picture of her childhood village that doesn’t match up with her memory. I love the lesson that it is never too late to learn a new skill. Bella, Ben an Sophie, all seem to like this book. Recently they’ve been playing at being artists and I think this fits into that game nicely.

Joan of Arc: The Lily Maid by Margaret Hodges illustrated by Robert Rayevsky, a beautiful version of the story of a medieval saint. I love the medieval feel of the illustrations. It’s fun for us because I was able to point out that the girls’ beloved St Therese once dressed up as St Joan. So far she hasn’t become a part of Bella and Sophie’s playing; but I’m sure that day will come.

Saints Lives and Illuminations by Ruth Sanderson. This volume focuses on saints from the first centuries of the Church. (It does include Constantine, who is considered a saint by the Orthodox churches but not, I believe, by Catholics.) Many of these saints don’t make it into children’s saints books very often, so it’s a nice mix. Includes St Nicholas, St Lawrence, St Helen, St Ephraim, St Catherine of Alexandra, St Benedict and Scholastica, St Mary of Egypt, and many of the Irish saints. I love it. The illustrations are gorgeous and it’s a book worth lingering over. 

Psalms for Young Children by Marie-Hélène Delval. I was of two minds about this book. On the one hand I know from personal experience that children are able to appreciate the beauty and grandeur of the psalms without any need to translate them into simpler language. My children do listen as I pray the psalms and I can tell that the psalms speak to them. They speak to their hearts even if they don’t understand all the words. On the other hand, I do like the simple paraphrases of one or two main ideas from each psalm. They choose verses that speak to children’s various needs in prayer and I think provide a nice entryway for children into making their prayer into a real conversation with God, expressing their fears and desires, vocalizing their praise and petitions, in short the full range of human emotion and experience. So I would say that this book is not a substitute for introducing children to the richness of the book of psalms, the Church’s universal prayer; but a good supplement to such an introduction. Just as when teaching Shakespeare, I might have children read a simplified prose version first before diving into Shakespearian language, I see these versions as a way to highlight some of the main themes of the psalms in a plain, everyday language any child can understand.

The Library Lion by Michelle Knudsen illustrated by Kevin Hawkes A sweet story about a lion who loves story time at the library. Indirectly it’s also a story about rules, especially about the times when it is necessary to break the rules. Also about admitting you are wrong and seeing the good in people who are different. The pictures are magical, reminiscent of Robert McClosky’s Make Way for Ducklings. Ben, Sophie, and Bella all love it and request it; but it seems to especially speak to Ben.

Little Blue Truck, this book was one I picked up at Target on a whim to fill out the gift roster for Ben and Anthony but we have all come to love it. One of those rare books that has a rhyme and rhythm that is delicious to read, with plenty of fun animal sounds. It’s the story of two trucks: a friendly little blue truck who befriends all of the animals, and a too-busy, stuck-up dump truck. The dump gets stuck in the mud and Blue gets stuck while trying to help get him out. Then all the animals who couldn’t be bothered to help the rude Dump come to Blue’s aid. Despite their collaborative effort, the animals can’t budge the trucks until the little green toad saves the day. A perfect book for my truck-crazy boy.

Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed board book by Eileen Christelow. Ben loves to jump on my bed while chanting, “No more monkeys jumping on the bed!” So this board book was a no-brainer.

Shark vs. Train I’m not a huge fan; but I seem to be the exception. Ben and Sophie and Bella all seem to like this one. Ben and Sophie more so than Bella.

Rose of Lima by Mary Fabyan Windeatt

Actually not a picture book but a chapter book. Rose is my confirmation saint; but sadly this is the first book I’ve ever read about her. Bella and I loved it and it gave us much to talk about and think about. Today Bella was pretending to make a stations of the cross int he back yard just as Rose used to do in her garden. It has fired Bella’s imagination and that is the best sign of a book that has done it’s job. I’ve been inspired to dust off a full-length biography of Rose that has been on my shelf for years. It was interesting too how much Rose’s life was an imitation of St Catherine of Siena. I’m still slowly nibbling away at Sigrid Undset’s biography of Catherine and so was able to appreciate that aspect of Rose’s story even more. I’m finally really seeing the influence of my patron saint in my life, though it took having daughters who name their toy camels Rose and Lima before I really appreciated the first canonized saint of the new world.

1. Well, now that Anthony has been on antibiotics for a week and is feeling chipper again, Ben has an ear infection. Sigh. After several nights of crying at bedtime and being up in the middle of the night, he finally admitted it hurt and agreed to go to the doctor.

2. This morning I called the pediatrician and got an afternoon appointment. When I told Ben I’d take him to the doctor after lunch, he said, “My belly’s full.” So I tried to explain that his appointment was in three hours and not dependent on when or whether he ate lunch. No dice. “I want to go somewhere,” he insisted. I repeated that we’d go in about three hours. A few minutes later he appeared in the kitchen wearing his boots and holding his coat. Persistent little fellow. It makes sense in his world. We’re always telling him if he gets his boots and coat we can go. Thus, he’s got his boots and coat, we can go, right? So we went for a walk to get out of the house while Anthony slept and my sister stayed with the girls.

It turned out to be exactly what I needed. Fresh air, sunshine, a long stroll at a two year-old’s pace with a sweet little hand tucked in mine. I haven’t been able to get much of a break in the past few weeks with all the sick kids. I thought I desperately needed some time alone. A lot of time alone. But perhaps a walk with Ben was even better medicine for what ailed me.

3. Sophie began to cry as we were heading out the door for our walk, “I don’t want you to leave! I don’t want you to leave!” She’s still feeling pretty rotten. (In fact she claimed she had an earache but the doctor said they looked fine.) While we were walking I found a tiny pine cone and gave it to Ben. He was delighted and held it in his mittened hand for a minute and then declared, “I’m going to give it to Sophie. To help her calm down.” So sweet and thoughtful. My heart is melting.

4. Sophie tells me that Miss Irwin is going to fall off the holy mountain and die. Bella corrects her and tells me that it is called the Mountain of Death. And now Bella tells Sophie that she has to be the mean person who pushes her off the mountain. And Bella asks if Sophie will bury her while she’s lying on the ground with a burial sheet. Evidently Miss Irwin has graduated from firefighter to martyr. (Of a sort?)

5. Bella: “What kind of air is in a balloon that makes it float?” (The lady at the grocery store gave Anthony a free Super Bowl balloon on Monday.)
Sophie: “Affection.”
Bella: “No, it’s helium.”

6. Sophie’s most recent song has been stuck in my head: “Boo didda didda dadda, boo didda didda dadda, on Patrick Frank Day.” She says it means Christmas is coming. (To something very like the tune of “Did you Ever See a Lassie?”)

7. Ben found the train pajamas with the hole in the toe that I hadn’t got rid of fast enough and put them on tonight: “There’s a hole in my jamas! I want somebody to cut the hole off! Cut the hole off!”

It seems like it’s been forever since I’ve done a quick takes post. 

1. This week in the stable: The angel, St Joseph, and the donkey are going for a ride in the school bus while Mary changes Baby Jesus’ poopy diaper.

2. I’m sewing again. A bit. I’ve decided a realistic goal is to do just a little something or other on one Sunday afternoon a month. No sense of having to get anything finished, just make a little progress on my ongoing projects.

Before I could jump into my ongoing project I had to placate three children who were utterly fascinated by the whole thing. I promised to make each of them a dolly quilt. Sophie’s was first. She picked a bunch of fabrics and I stitched them together and then used some scraps I had for binding. For Ben I used some pre-sewn scraps that I’d been fooling around with a long time ago. It came together pretty quickly. Bella opted for a more complicated bunch of fabrics and is insisting that the dolly blanket is for one of her cousins intead of for herself, which I’d be all for except I suspect the cousin in question is a bit old to be interested in a doll quilt.

I also made each of the big kids a dolly pillow using some squares I already had stitched together. All I had to do was make the final seams and stuff them. All of them are so happy about these little projects and it’s been nice for me to have something that was easy to finish and therefore had an immediate payoff. I’ve got some bigger projects that it will take much longer to finish. The last time I was actively sewing was before Ben was born and I was able to get bigger things done more quickly because I had larger chunks of time to work with. I now know I can make progress in smaller increments but it does take some patience when I’m not progressing as fast as I’d like.

3. Here is Ben’s dolly blanket. (I couldn’t find any of the pillows or Sophie’s blanket to photograph. Which is another difference between now and then. Back then I’d never have let a project leave my hands till I’d photographed it thoroughly.)

Here’s the back side:

I love the fact that even with a dolly blanket you can see he’s all boy. He’s put it on the iguana, which he insists on calling a dinosaur.

4. My sister is teaching Bella to crochet. I hope they both stick with it and don’t get distracted. It makes Bella so happy to be able to imitate her aunt and to make something for herself.

5. Ben found the box of tri-color rotini in the shopping bag and insisted he wanted some for lunch. When I said I needed to cook it first he threw a fit. Stubborn child!  Rather than admit he was wrong sat there with a bunch of dried pasta on his plate trying to eat it with a fork. Finally he declared, “I’m done!” and agreed to let me cook him some. At least he did like it when it was cooked.

6. The other day in the car Bella was playing a game in which she and Sophie were firefighters in New York City. This is a recurring game but this was the first time I understood the full context of the game. There’s a huge cast of characters: John, Frank, Bernie, Sam, Patrick, Miss Irwin, Miss Jelsie, and Miss Leen, who is the fire chief. Sam and Miss Jelsie are the silly ones. Bella is Miss Irwin, I think. Sophie is Miss Jelsie. I think the name Miss Jelsie comes from Sophie’s mishearing the words to the GloriaL in excelsis Deo became first in dusty’s deo and then in Miss Jelsie’s Deo

7. Last Sunday at bedtime Ben told me, “I told God no.” Not sure what that was about except that Father’s homily that morning was about Mary’s fiat and telling God yes.

It was all I could do not to laugh. At least I didn’t have to keep a straight face because the light was out. This was during his nightly 20 minute winding-down monologue, which would be hilarious if I weren’t so tired and wanting to just go have some me-time before going to bed.

Bonus take:

Is there anything in the world better than a sleeping baby on your lap?

Well, maybe a baby who really, really wants to take a bath. (This was about fifteen minutes after he woke up, about two minutes after he threw up.)

For more quick takes visit Conversion Diary.

Well last night we we survived Midnight Mass with four children with not a single child fall asleep or needed to be taken out. In fact no one fussed at all. Or at least not what anyone but me would have called fussing. Ben did whine and complain in a loud toddler not-whisper but I don’t think anyone who wasn’t our immediate neighbor heard him. And Bella did cry quietly when she realized she’d forgotten her blanket at home (Especially frustrating because the only reason she even wanted it was that before we left I’d prompted her that she might want it.) Anthony squirmed a bit and had one moment of exuberantly grabbing a bulletin and shaking it loudly during the homily. Sophie only beamed sleepily from ear to ear and hugged her blankie in tired excitement.

Abigail asked if I have a secret to getting four kids to Midnight Mass and if I’d post about it on my blog. While I’d love to take all the credit for our success, I suspect much of it is due to the temperament and personality of my kids (and perhaps that is in turn due to my temperament and Dom’s?) And even more I suspect that it is due to sheer grace. Though I can’t stress enough that having a third adult is a giant help—my sister who lives with us and who therefore can be counted as a second mommy when it comes to cranky toddlers because they have known her as a part of their immediate household all their lives. Ben spent the second half of the Mass, after he’d got tired of Daddy, in Auntie Tree’s lap. Had she not been there Dom would have definitely been out in the vestibule. Or more likely were she not in the equation we wouldn’t have gone at all.

Last year when we took Bella and Sophie and Ben we weren’t at all sure it would be a successful experiment. We were quite prepared to throw in the towel if things looked like they were going downhill. But it worked. And the stars in the eyes of my little girls made the loss of sleep and subsequent temper tantrums worth it. They were still talking about Midnight Mass as Advent began this year and there was no way we could tell Bella and Sophie that they weren’t going to go again. The only question in our minds was whether or not to try to bring the boys too. Last year, I’d assumed we wouldn’t try it again this year. There’s no way a 10 month old could cut it, I thought. And yet as the day grew closer, I was more sure that we should try. I still expected that I would probably end up in the back with Anthony; but I felt like we should give it a shot anyway.

And yes tempers were short today and children were overtired and cranky. And there will probably be more and worse repercussions tomorrow and aftershocks for the rest of the week. But they were all very good during Mass. And it was totally worth it.

Every time I looked down to meet Sophie’s eyes her face lit up with a glow that I can’t even begin to capture. Oh the smiles that little girl can give! And most especially when we sang her favorite song, Silent Night. She was in heaven.

Bella had a harder time; but even she doesn’t regret going. And though Ben spent most of the time complaining, his first words were wonder-struck: “Lights! Christmas trees! Look, look, Christmas trees! They have frost on them!” His not-whisper toddler voice carrying too-loud in the hushed church.

Dom says, and I agree, that walking into the church fifteen minutes before Mass began he felt like the guy walking onto the plane with four kids. It seemed like everyone was sizing us up and groaning in anticipation of the bad behavior of our little clan. But then after Mass many people came to compliment us on their good behavior.

Still, even if their behavior hadn’t been so stellar I might still consider the effort well worth it. Why? Because I can think of no other way of teaching them with our actions that Christ is the heart of Christmas. We go to Mass every Sunday. It is one of the prime ways my pre-school children mark time. So getting up for Mass on Christmas morning wouldn’t necessarily make a dramatic impression. But waking in the middle of the night and putting on brand new clothes and going out into the cold and dark to sit in a bright church… we are teaching them that Christmas is worth losing sleep over. It’s worth the effort and the inconvenience.

They get the magic of midnight Mass. Even Ben who kept asking, “Why is it dark? When is it going to be light? Why is it dark?”  Why is this night different from every other night? What makes Christmas so distinctive in their world, what makes it different from every other day and night isn’t only the tree and the pile of presents and the festive music on the radio… what makes it different is the magic of getting up when they are normally asleep, the magic of the church transformed into a bright wonderland of light.

Actions speak louder than words and the ancient practice of keeping vigil, of watching during the night hours, teaches our children more than any number of sermons or picture books, more than Christmas movies or any kind of lessons I can devise. This night is holy, set aside for God. We give him our precious night hours, we give up sleep so that we can be present at the manger, present at the feast. We come to adore him in the silent night. We come to listen to the angels delivering their tidings of great joy. We come to hear the proclamation and to sing his praise in the watches of the night. This is the meaning of Christmas not the tree and the trimmings and the presents and the food. If we want our children to understand that Christmas is about Christ, then we need to put the Mass at the center of our family’s celebration. It is worth the sacrifice.

Now, of course, prudence dictates that if your kids aren’t as calm and placid as ours, you might want to wait a few years. Our parish is small and Midnight Mass is not at all crowded. The church was, sadly, only half full. The Mass was not really longer than a normal Sunday Mass. If it were standing room only and we had to get there an hour early to get seats, I’m not sure we would have been there. If it were epically long, then I’m not sure we would have gone. If our kids were the kind that climb the walls, that run up the aisles, that scream and rant, that projectile vomit at the drop of a hat, then we would not have been there. So please don’t feel like I’m condemning you if your calculus leads you to stay away from Midnight Mass. Consider your children, consider your parish, consider all the factors and weigh them carefully. But one of the factors you should weigh in the balance is the value of wonder.

Consider the child whose eyes are aglow, who blinks and rubs his eyes and cranes his neck to see all that is new and different and wonderful as he gazes at the tiny baby in the manger whose birth is the reason for the candy that will make him sick and the presents that he will forget or the present that he will treasure. What will that child remember in years to come? What will speak of Christmas to him when he is older and living on his own? What seeds might you plant now and is today’s labor of missed sleep and temper tantrums worth the harvest he may one day reap?

As I watched Ben ask questions and Anthony stretch his neck to look and Sophie smile and Bella dream, I knew that we would be back again. Maybe next year, maybe not. We’ll see how things look then. But I am determined that even if we have to give it up for a few years Midnight Mass will be what my kids remember most fondly when they think about Christmases of long ago.

Both Ben and Anthony are teething. Ben is getting his two-year molars. I’m not sure what Anthony is working on exactly but he’s biting me and anything else he can get in his mouth. The past few nights it has become our routine to dose them with ibuprofen at bedtime. Even the long-lasting stuff seems to wear off after about six hours so we have early wake-ups and re-dosing in the middle of the night; but at least with the painkillers they will go to sleep in the first place.

Well, last night’s bedtime was a bit crazy. Poor Anthony chomped down and bit me while nursing to sleep. When I protested he clamped down more. Harder than I think I’ve been bitten before. I was afraid he’d drawn blood. The fussy baby actually forestalled part of Ben’s bedtime temper tantrum. Ben got tired of trying to compete for attention and went to sleep. However, he made up for it in the middle of the night.

The first wake up was shortly after midnight. Both Ben and Sophie were fussing. Who knows which of them woke the other. Sophie allowed herself to be tucked right back in. I had to remove Ben to the living room for a much longer struggle. It took quite some time before he’d agree to take more medicine. But finally once he’d done so he snuggled in my arms and drifted off to sleep. I drifted for a while too and then slid out from under him, leaving him on the futon.

In the past this has worked beautifully and he’s stayed there the rest of the night. Ben actually likes sleeping in the living room. Maybe it was the rain that disturbed his sleep last night; but he woke up again sometime later and when I came to the sound of his fussing he asked me to carry his blankies back to his room for him. I tucked him back in and went back to bed.

Then at 4 am I heard more crying. Ben was standing outside my door complaining that we hadn’t brushed his teeth or got him a sippy cup of ice water last night. I know better than to try to argue with a two year-old so I took him into the bathroom to brush his teeth while trying to hush him so he wouldn’t wake up Anthony. I grabbed either Sophie or Bella’s toothbrush and he screamed again because it was the wrong one. It was dark but I guess he could tell it was the wrong shape from the way it felt in his mouth. He doesn’t miss much. After I’d made a couple of perfunctory passes with the correct brush and he’d “rinsed” his mouth, we went to the kitchen where I got him a cup of ice water. Then back to bed where he meekly let me tuck him in. I don’t think he actually took a sip of the ice water. It was just a part of the ritual. I know two-year olds are very wedded to routine and each of the girls did go through similar phases but I think Ben is more particular than either of them were. Though this is not the first time we’ve had to complete the routine in the middle of the night, I think, it’s definitely a first for midnight teeth brushing.

Meanwhile Anthony did sleep till right before I was headed back to bed after Ben’s first wakeup. I went ahead and smeared orajel on his gums and dosed him with ibuprofen again. But then he fussed and fretted and was up and down the rest of the night. Though at least he was taking pains to nurse gently most of the time.

I might have hoped that they would sleep in but Ben and Sophie were up by 6:20 and Anthony by 7:30. Oh well.

I think I finally figured out one thing about Ben: He doesn’t like a hard “goodbye” or “goodnight” he’d much rather I just drifted out of the room quietly without fanfare, without acknowledging verbally that I’m leaving. If I just walk out he doesn’t complain a bit, even though I can hear he’s still awake. If I try to say anything at all, then he finds a reason to fuss, demand, exert control over the situation. Is it that he’s being forced to be mindful of my departure? That the sound of my voice jars him out of near-sleep?

Last night Sophie took a turn being the cranky one at bedtime. A long day swimming and playing at her cousins’ house probably didn’t help her temper. But Ben was amazingly calm, as if his urge to rebel against bedtime was satisfied by proxy. He was fine right up to the point where Dom said goodnight to him and then he yelled. Fortunately that passed and I didn’t make the same mistake. I let silence be my farewell and slipped out the door while Ben was still stirring in his bed. Not a peep from him as the door closed behind me.

I’m still not sure what woke him screaming at around 4. I tried the technique I’ve learned works best with Sophie: Don’t talk, just make comforting nonverbal sounds, tuck blankets in and offer gentle comforting touches. For Sophie that gets her right back to sleep. For Ben it at least meant a quick end to his screaming, much better than it has been. But he refused to lie down. He sat in bed with his back against the wall, quiet and calm but unsleeping. I sat with him until Anthony’s cries became too much as poor Dom tried to calm my little nursling whose midnight snack had been so rudely interrupted by his brother’s poor timing. I slipped out and nursed Anthony for a while until Ben started crying again. (Auntie Tree who works the opening shift had got up to go to work and her closing the bathroom door was enough to set Ben off. So Anthony and I sat with him a while longer, Anthony unsleeping and not hungry, craning his head to look around and uttering little inquisitive coos. Finally, finally, Ben slid down and pulled his blankets around him. I couldn’t see his face so I sat there for a long time, until I was pretty sure he was asleep then I slipped back to my bed to try to sleep again.

So we haven’t quite worked out a new bedtime routine; but we’re getting closer and at least I know some things not to do.

Ben slept through the night again last night. But he refused to go down for a nap today. I was falling asleep while reading to him but he was bright eyed and not nodding at all. So I gave up and let him go out to play. Then at around five he got very cranky and fell asleep on the living room floor.

I woke him up after about half an hour and changed his dirty diaper. Oh he was mad and ranted and raved for almost an hour until Dom came home.

But… We had a much, much easier bedtime tonight. I’m glad in the end I woke him up because it was pay the piper this evening or pay at bedtime and it was worth it to have a smooth transition this evening.

I think we’re all starting to realize that compromises are going to have to be made to incorporate Ben into the bedtime routine. The girls are starting to be willing to give, though we still have a ways to go.

I’m also realizing that Ben really needs to talk with me about the events of the day, to process them before he goes to sleep. He becomes a major chatterbox at bedtime and can’t sleep for all the talking. Today, for example, we left the playground early because he kept getting bark in his sandal and wanted to change shoes. (It was kind of funny. I suggested out loud that he perhaps should have worn sneakers instead of sandals to a playground with bark mulch and suddenly he wanted nothing but to leave.) I sort of hoped he’d forget about wanting to go back and he did for a while but at bedtime it came up again how disappointed he was that we didn’t go back to the playground. He tried so hard to talk with me about it; but I only understood about half of what he was trying to say. He is desperate to learn a vocabulary to express his turbulent emotions. But I think that’s only a small pat of it. I think he’s also just going to be a person who needs to talk things over with someone.

I’m finding ways to turn some control over to him so that the bedtime transitions are easier. Tonight he turned off the light by himself. Hitherto the light being out has been a major point of conflict. He made it into a game and had the ball he was playing with turn off the light and so I made it into a game and thanked the ball and then suggested the ball get into bed and snuggle with the pillow and blankets. Ben pretended to give the ball milk and I sang the lullaby to the ball. Ben allowed one of the three usual songs and then balked and wanted to talk some more so I broke the deadlock by leaving to get a blanket he’d forgotten and I took a long time coming back to let him settle. Then we said goodnight to everything in the room (as in Goodnight Moon) and I ended up giving him a dolly and tucking the dolly into his bed with the blanket and he let the dolly snuggle with the ball. Then I left to use the bathroom and never went back in.

Bella and Sophie are learning how to fall asleep in the midst of Ben’s chatter—tonight Sophie was asleep before the lights went out and Bella was asleep before I went to get the blankies. And he’s learning that he can control the give and take a bit till we find a place that is comfortable for everyone. I know the negotiations will take a while and I’m sure we’ll have some setbacks; but tonight I can see how this might work itself out in the long run.

Since this blog has of late become a chronicle of Ben’s sleep woes, I thought I’d jot a brief note about tonight’s bedtime.

Today was a touch day all around. we were all cranky and a little off. Also, Saturday night is always our most stressful night because it’s bath night. That just adds a whole nother layer to our bedtime routine. Especially with the need to brush and braid the girls’ hair after baths. And also Ben hates baths right now.

So during nap time we got the toddler bed out of the shed. We hadn’t been talking it up much with Ben because we weren’t sure how he’d take it. But we did prep Bella so she wouldn’t talk so much about it being her bed. We told her it needed to be Ben’s new bed. Then after Ben woke up from his nap we took down the crib and put up the toddler bed in it’s place. At first he was a bit distressed to see his old bed go and this new thing in its place. Then when it was in place he climbed up on it. Hard to resist new furniture.

And then Bella performed a heroic act of generosity. She offered Ben a present of her truck blanket, which has been one of her three must-have blankets since she moved into the toddler bed. Id commented recently about how she and Sophie each have several blankets and quilts but Ben doesn’t have any and how I’d always thought the truck blanket would go to Ben but how obviously that wouldn’t happen because she was attached to it. And then I forgot about the conversation and made a note to try to find a nice quilt or blankie that could be Ben’s own. (I started a baby quilt for him when I was pregnant with him and it’s still in pieces.) But Bella has of late been committing many acts of profound generosity. Inspired by a book Grandma B sent her she has spontaneously made little sacrifices, done good deeds just to make someone else happy. It has warmed my heart to see it. There is a little bit of looking to see if we’re watching and hoping for praise; but I think she is also doing these acts for the sake of the one they benefit as well.

Sophie and Bella then proceeded to shower Ben with all sorts of blankets and toys and books, to each of which he sweetly said, “No, thank you.” But the gift of the truck blanket obviously meant a lot to him as well.I think he did understand its significance.

So at bedtime we had one stroke of luck which was that Anthony went to sleep and was tucked into bed before we said our prayers. One advantage of a bedtime delayed by baths I suppose. That freed me up to brush the girls’ hair and then to devote a lot of attention to Ben. Sophie fell asleep during her story, which was another stroke of luck. So when it came time to tuck them in it was just Ben and Bella. Ben was nodding over his books but Bella startled him awake again. (I mentally cursed but managed to not berate my bumbling five year-old.) After her stories were done I sent Bella off to bed under protest and had Dom tuck her in and then carry sleeping Sophie to her bed and then turn out their bedroom light. Normally Sophie would insist on me tucking her in.

So with three of our usual conflict points gone and having been able to spend some cuddle time with just me and Ben it was much smoother. Even so he fussed about the light being off and refused to get into his bed. I sat down next to his bed and calmly told him that I was going to sing Bella her songs and then I’d cuddle him. As I began to sing he began to cry and I stopped and calmly told him that I knew he was upset and didn’t want me to sing. This is the part of the evening where you just start to cry and tell me ‘no’ an I don’t know what to do and you cry and we’re all unhappy. And that’s ok. I’m going to sing Bella’s song and you can fuss and then we can cuddle. He cried through the first song and then quieted during the second.

I was searching for his blankies during both songs and finally realized they weren’t in the room. So we went to look for them and found them in my room. Blankies in hand, when we got back to his bedroom he crawled into his bed with a satisfied and only mildly cranky little grunt. He grunted a few more times as he buried his face in the pillow. And then I tucked the truck blanket over him. I whispered to him a bit about how much his sister loved him to give him such a present. How much I love him and daddy and Jesus and everyone. Lots of listing of people.

Then I talked over the day with him, reminding him of all the highlights and reminding him of looking at the stars last night and of Auntie Tree cuddling him and talking over his fussing. I looked forward to tomorrow and going to Mass and eating pancakes and talked about how nice it would be to see Jesus and how much Daddy loves him to make pancakes.

Then I blessed him and finally hearing my phone beeping told him I needed to go stop it and go to bed myself. I asked if he wanted me to leave the door open and he grunted. So I left quietly with one final blessing and closed the door behind me.

So far so good he’s still asleep. May God grant us all a peaceful night.

Night after night I throw myself headlong into this epic losing battle that is bedtime. Night after night I beat my head against the wall of my own inadequacy and Ben’s obstinance. Night after night I am confronted by the abyss of failure as all of us descend into tears, tears and more tears.

Anthony sits in my sister’s arms and throws me reproachful glances as he wails: Why aren’t you holding me, Mama? Sophie and Ben and Bella vie for my attention, for the coveted place in my lap, in my arms. Mama, read me this book. Mama, sing me this song. Mama, hold me. Only me. Mama, love me. Only me.

And there is no way I can tend all their needs. No way I can satisfy all their desires. I am finite and their needs are more than I can bear. I am weak and broken and I fail. I fail in love even when I am trying my hardest to succeed.

Sooner or later we always hit the point where Ben reaches ultimate frustration. As amazingly articulate as he is, as great as his vocabulary and as clear as his enunciation, still he is only two and he cannot always make himself understood. If he even understands himself what it is he wants and needs. He wants me and he doesn’t want me. Sooner or later we hit the point where everything becomes NO!

Ben, do you want me to sit in the chair?
NO!
Do you want me to sit on the floor?
NO!
Do you want me to cuddle you?
NO!
Do you want me to go?
NO!
Do you want me to stay?
NO!

Finally I am out of options. Nothing I can do will satisfy him. Neither my speech nor my silence. Neither my presence nor my absence. We are at an impasse and I begin to cry quietly in the dark and he finally settles down and tosses and turns until at long last sleep takes him.

In the silence as I listen to him frantically seeking sleep or seeking to avoid sleep or whatever it is he is doing I rage in my heart. I rant and rave. Why? What is the purpose of this? Where are you, God in all of this pain and misery? How can my children’s pain be answered? Why am I so inadequate, so broken? Why is this so bloody hard? When will this end? Why, God, why? I want to serve you as I serve my children but I cannot help them. Even when I am not messing things up, even when I’m entirely focused on them and doing my best, I still fail to give them what they want and need. Still they cry and cry and I cannot soothe their tears.

I long so to be able to understand this little boy who so wants to be understood. I understand this much at least: I understand his pain and frustration because it is the mirror of my own. We stand on either side of a gulf and confront each other longingly across the deep chasm of thorns and both of us rage at our impotence. I understand your frustration, Ben, because I am just as frustrated. You want to communicate your need and I want to communicate my love and somehow the messages have gone astray. Neither of us can make contact.

And then there is a small voice in the darkness, in the midst of the pain. As I try to pierce the gloom and to see Christ in my suffering son. I too once longed to soothe hurts which refused to be healed. I longed to feed those who would not eat. I thirsted to give drink to those who closed their mouths. I ached to comfort those who would not be consoled. I yearned to gather my chicks under my wings and they would not be gathered. I spoke and they did not understand. I loved and they did not feel my love. I suffered and they did not know my pain. I felt their pain and they did not feel my compassion. Every pain and sorrow that you feel I have felt it. Every longing that pierces your heart has pierced mine.

I too was helpless when there was no help. I too was hungry when there was no food. Thirsty when there was no drink. Tired when there was no rest. Full of pain when there was no comfort. I longed for companionship and felt abandoned when those I loved most failed to understand. I suffered loneliness and grieved when their human frailty and the weakness of the flesh overcame their love and they could not give what they longed to give.

Oh blessed peace. At last sleep overcomes the tired boy and he slumbers. At last understanding for the weary mother and balm for her broken heart. Tomorrow we may fight the battle again but for now there is sleep to knit up the ravelled sleeve of care.