The Wine-Dark Sea

My gang, enjoying today’s beautiful weather. Is it February or April?

1. So our Valentines Day was very nice, though low key. Dom brought me flowers and chocolates and a card…. and BBQ take-out because I totally lost it over figuring out what to do for dinner. The kids and I made Valentines cards. Or I tried to make one. When Dom came home mine was still unfinished. Not that he minded at all.

Paper dolls, Bella style.

2. After a while though Bella got bored with pasting hearts on paper and began to make her own creations. She brought me an “outfit” that she had made.

A beautiful bride!

A tall yellow dress form with arms and blue shoes. She told me it was a wedding dress. Later she added a blue head and a blue veil that was longer than the dress. Then she drew a face on it and added a heart sticker.

Bride doll with veil

She also made a black bridesmaid with green high heels. And a family, mom, dad, and children that never got heads.

Bridesmaid with green high heels

Sophie’s children

Sophie made some people too, figures cobbled together with little scraps of red paper.

3. Have I mentioned that Anthony is walking now? He’s been making strides for weeks and now he’s probably at about 75-80% walking to about 25-20% crawling. He’s slimmed down considerably, just as everyone said he would, though he’s still a pretty chubby guy. And he’s going to be one on Monday!

4. Today Ben had me reading Curious George backward. He likes to open books to the back. This time he was turning the pages for me while I nursed Anthony. I think he knew it was funny to read it backward. When we got to the title page he made me read it to him twice. And he laughed. At least reading backwards is a nice change of pace.

5. Bella doesn’t just play with beads, she becomes a jeweler making fine jewelry and selling it to support her family. I just love her imagination.

Bella at Ikea

Yet another reason to homeschool. I would be so sad to miss all the Bella stories if she weren’t here all day. I’d be sad not to see her playing so sweetly with her sister. Oh of course they fight; but they really are the best of friends and I love the way they work together.

Sophie at Ikea

Anthony at Ikea

6. This weekend we went to Ikea and bought some more shelves to deal with the overflowing clutter of the school books and art supplies in the dining room and the mess of the pantry. Then on Sunday we moved the furniture. The futon went from the living room to the office and two bookcases went from the office to the living room. How is it possible that both rooms feel bigger and more open? The kids all seem to be enjoying the change. We should probably rearrange the furniture every February.

Dom and Ben at Ikea

7. Today the weather was lovely and after naps we all went to play outside. I pulled Anthony around in the wagon, first with Ben and then with Sophie. Then Ben pulled Anthony. The weather has been so very mild this winter, a nice change from last winter when we were buried for months under feet of snow.

Ben pulls Anthony in the wagon. I couldn’t believe he could actually do it.

This week’s Quick Takes are being hosted by the lovely Betty Beguiles.

I woke up at five this morning from a very restless sleep and an anxiety dream about waking up more than an hour after the time we were supposed to be at the hospital. Tossed and turned until the alarm went off at 5:30.

Dom went and woke up Bella—we really hated waking up a sleeping baby!!! Wouldn’t it figure this was one of the rare mornings she didn’t wake up howling at five-five-thirty?!? I nursed her for a half hour or so while Dom took his shower and dressed.

Then we left Bella with my mom while we went to the hospital. She cried for a bit, of course, but was then fine until right before Dom came home. (I told him there was no sense in him sitting in the hospital waiting room while I was in the OR. We live not five minutes from the hospital.) Bad enough for Bella to have a morning without mommy. No daddy, I figured, would be really hard for a little girl.

As for my part, it went very smoothly. Thanks in large, I’m sure, to all those prayers everyone’s been saying. They didn’t use a general anesthesia, just a sedative and a local. I thus expected to be awake and aware during the procedure as I was during my c-section, a thought which actually distressed me a bit, even though I knew the sedative should keep me calm.

But I recall going into the OR and chatting with the nurses and anesthesiologist as they put warm blankets around me and set up the “Cadillac” stirrups, as one of the nurses called them. Then, the next thing I knew I was waking up from a very peaceful dreamy sleep and they were telling me the procedure was done and they were moving me to the recovery room. Once there, I was tucked in under warm blankets again, had a very welcome glass of ice water, and then fell back to sleep. Then I woke up and had some juice and hot buttered toast and drifted back to sleep. When I woke again, I had more water and then began praying the psalms and canticles I know by heart. Then, I said a rosary, the sorrowful mysteries, on my fingers. I was very calm, relaxed and prayerful.

Finally, I woke up all the way and read my book (Eifelheim) for a while. I was so glad the nurse had agreed to carry it into the OR for me so I could have it with me when I woke. I hate staring at the wall with nothing to read. Eventually I was ready to go home. Dom came up and chatted with me, then went back to the waiting room to be with Bella and my mom as I got dressed and was discharged.

When I got to the waiting room, I saw Bella in my mom’s lap with her back to me. I called her name and she looked about, joyfully, and finally spotted me. I sat down and they put her in my lap and she just clung to me, a very sleepy, very happy baby. (She wasn’t able to go down for her morning nap without me to nurse her to sleep. As I knew she wouldn’t.) Bella fell sound asleep just as soon as the car had pulled out of the parking lot. Poor tired little girl.

We stopped by McDonald’s to get some food. Dom hadn’t eaten yet today both because he was too busy and too anxious to think about eating and, he said, because he knew I’d not been able to eat and he felt so helpless with nothing to do. It was the least he could do to feel some solidarity with me. So sweet. We wanted to eke out Bella’s nap as long as possible so we drove to my favorite little park in neighboring Marblehead and sat in the car looking out over the Atlantic as we ate our burgers and fries. Bella finally woke as we pulled up to the house, about a half hour after we left the hospital.
She had lunch, played for a while and then had her regular afternoon nap. (I slept too.) So she seems back on schedule.

My doctor called Dom when I got out of OR, while I was still in recovery. He said everything went well and looked fine. Of course, we won’t get the pathology report until next week, probably Wednesday or Thursday; but it’s good preliminary news, at least.

I’m taking it easy this afternoon; but I feel fine. Minimal cramping. Much less than I expected. More like the biopsy than the miscarriage and easier than most of my menstrual cramps.

Thanks again to everyone who has been praying for me. I’ve really felt all those prayers sustaining me and am sure that today went so smoothly because of your prayers and support. (I’ve been praying for all of you as well.) Just a little longer and this will hopefully all be behind us and we can get on with our lives.

Though in some ways, I’ll never be the same. This experience has changed the way I look at so many things, especially intercessory prayer. I will never look at a prayer request in my inbox or on a blog in the same way again. I have been so blessed, I know I am called to pray that others will receive some of the same blessings and consolations that have been given to me.

I had a miscarriage yesterday.

If you don’t want to read about it, then don’t. But I need to write about it.

Spotting began Saturday night. I noticed it right before we left to go out to dinner for my sister-in-law’s birthday. I didn’t mention it to the family at dinner because it might be nothing and because I didn’t want to disturb the happy occasion.

Spotting and cramping after dinner and I called my OB’s office. She said as long as the spotting was light, I could probably hold off and go into the office on Monday for an ultrasound. But if it got worse, to go to the ER.  Cramps got worse overnight and by morning we decided to go to the ER after mass. But as we were getting ready to leave I changed my mind and so instead of going to church, we went straight to the hospital.

And a good thing too because after they had checked me in, while I was still in the waiting room, waiting for them to find a place for me, I guess, I started bleeding very heavily. Scared, I sent Dom to try to get them to hurry up. They weren’t fast enough, though. A very heavy gush of blood scared me. I panicked and started screaming. Mostly because I was scared, though also a bit because I knew it would get me the attention I needed. It sure did. The admitting nurse was on the radio telling some guy that she didn’t care, she needed to bring me back NOW. I feel bad for the people in the waiting room. It was pretty scary. I left a pool of blood behind in the chair and on the floor.

But once I was actually in the ER the nurses were great. They told Dom and Bella to come on back with me. He did, leaving our coats in the waiting room as he pushed the stroller. They started to put me in a curtained area in a larger room with three other beds, but then a nurse found an empty room where I could have more privacy. It wasn’t an exam room at all, but they made do.

Time passes funny in a hospital. You wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Sometimes it drags and sometimes it flies. The longest wait was for the ultrasound. There was a backup there. Usual, I was told. But they had waited until my bladder was full to even begin the process. So I had to wait with a full bladder. And wait and wait.

The hardest thing was not being able to take care of my poor distressed Bella. I did nurse her briefly during one of the long waits in the morning. Then fortunately Dom’s mother and sister came and helped out with her. They took her home to get her lunch and changer her diaper, the snacks and diapers in the diaper bag having run out. Then Dom came back to the hospital in time to take me home, around 3:00. I was so glad I didn’t have to stay overnight. As it was, when we got home, poor Bella had cried herself to sleep in her auntie’s arms. She was so glad to wake up to find herself in my lap instead. It was so hard to know my little girl needed me and I couldn’t be there for her.

Now I’m home. Taking it easy today. Tomorrow a follow-up doctor visit in the office. So glad Dom is here, taking care of us.

Like I said, all the staff at the hospital were wonderful. But there was one nurse, a motherly woman named Mary. I guess she’s actually grandmotherly. My mom’s age. She took care of me the whole time and was very comforting, friendly and reassuring. Very solicitous of my feelings, telling me it was ok to cry, to grieve. I hope she’s there for all women in such situations. Our society just doesn’t know how to deal with death, especially the deaths of babies. So it is very good that she was there and knew what to say and how to say it.

Anyway, I don’t want to write about the emotions now. I can’t. Maybe later. Or maybe not.

I’ll just say this: God has a funny way of preparing us. Thanks especially to Karen E., whose been writing about her own miscarriages recently on her blog. And then there was last Monday, at the Carmelite bookstore in the mall. Dom and I browsing through the children’s books and he picked up one for children about a child dealing with the baby being in heaven instead of having a younger brother or sister to play with. I shed a tear or two as we leafed through the pages. Little did I know, I’d be crying more just a week later.

Updates:

Counting My Blessings
Thoughts on Motherhood
A time to weep, and a time to laugh