Sad News

I had a miscarriage yesterday.

If you don't want to read about it, then don't. But I need to write about it.

Spotting began Saturday night. I noticed it right before we left to go out to dinner for my sister-in-law's birthday. I didn't mention it to the family at dinner because it might be nothing and because I didn't want to disturb the happy occasion.

Spotting and cramping after dinner and I called my OB's office. She said as long as the spotting was light, I could probably hold off and go into the office on Monday for an ultrasound. But if it got worse, to go to the ER. Cramps got worse overnight and by morning we decided to go to the ER after mass. But as we were getting ready to leave I changed my mind and so instead of going to church, we went straight to the hospital.

And a good thing too because after they had checked me in, while I was still in the waiting room, waiting for them to find a place for me, I guess, I started bleeding very heavily. Scared, I sent Dom to try to get them to hurry up. They weren't fast enough, though. A very heavy gush of blood scared me. I panicked and started screaming. Mostly because I was scared, though also a bit because I knew it would get me the attention I needed. It sure did. The admitting nurse was on the radio telling some guy that she didn't care, she needed to bring me back NOW. I feel bad for the people in the waiting room. It was pretty scary. I left a pool of blood behind in the chair and on the floor.

But once I was actually in the ER the nurses were great. They told Dom and Bella to come on back with me. He did, leaving our coats in the waiting room as he pushed the stroller. They started to put me in a curtained area in a larger room with three other beds, but then a nurse found an empty room where I could have more privacy. It wasn't an exam room at all, but they made do.

Time passes funny in a hospital. You wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Sometimes it drags and sometimes it flies. The longest wait was for the ultrasound. There was a backup there. Usual, I was told. But they had waited until my bladder was full to even begin the process. So I had to wait with a full bladder. And wait and wait.

The hardest thing was not being able to take care of my poor distressed Bella. I did nurse her briefly during one of the long waits in the morning. Then fortunately Dom's mother and sister came and helped out with her. They took her home to get her lunch and changer her diaper, the snacks and diapers in the diaper bag having run out. Then Dom came back to the hospital in time to take me home, around 3:00. I was so glad I didn't have to stay overnight. As it was, when we got home, poor Bella had cried herself to sleep in her auntie's arms. She was so glad to wake up to find herself in my lap instead. It was so hard to know my little girl needed me and I couldn't be there for her.

Now I'm home. Taking it easy today. Tomorrow a follow-up doctor visit in the office. So glad Dom is here, taking care of us.

Like I said, all the staff at the hospital were wonderful. But there was one nurse, a motherly woman named Mary. I guess she's actually grandmotherly. My mom's age. She took care of me the whole time and was very comforting, friendly and reassuring. Very solicitous of my feelings, telling me it was ok to cry, to grieve. I hope she's there for all women in such situations. Our society just doesn't know how to deal with death, especially the deaths of babies. So it is very good that she was there and knew what to say and how to say it.

Anyway, I don't want to write about the emotions now. I can't. Maybe later. Or maybe not.

I'll just say this: God has a funny way of preparing us. Thanks especially to Karen E., whose been writing about her own miscarriages recently on her blog. And then there was last Monday, at the Carmelite bookstore in the mall. Dom and I browsing through the children's books and he picked up one for children about a child dealing with the baby being in heaven instead of having a younger brother or sister to play with. I shed a tear or two as we leafed through the pages. Little did I know, I'd be crying more just a week later.

Updates:

Counting My Blessings
Thoughts on Motherhood
A time to weep, and a time to laugh

MORE...

Melanie, I'm so so sorry. Marc and I will pray for you, Dom, Bella, and of course especially for your little one. It's awful and tragic and its so hard for many people to find the right words to say to you. When we didn't want to talk about it, it was all anyone spoke of; and when we were ready to talk about it, everyone wanted to talk about anything but. We'll especially continue to pray for you and your healing in the months ahead.

I'm so sorry; like so many other women, I know that pain. My thoughts are with you and your family.

I am so very, very sorry, Melanie. I know that my words would be completely inadequate when confronted with your loss, but that's why God gave us prayer.

Be assured of the most fervent prayers of me and my family...especially that of my kids. There is nothing so efficacious as the clear-minded (and clear-hearted) prayers of little children.

May God give you and Dom strength during this time of tribulation. God Bless you all!

Melanie,
I'm so sorry.My heartfelt prayers and thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time.

Melanie,
I'm so sorry. I had a miscarriage 25 years ago--as a nurse, in the recovery room, I see many women who have miscarriages--everytime I take care ot them--I start crying. My heart aches for you--I will pray for you and your family.

Melanie,
So sorry to hear of your loss. I just recently came to know of your blog through reading a friend's blog (bearing blog). We've been through 3 miscarriages, the last 6 months ago. It's so hard, but what a blessing for you to have had nurse Mary to support you.

Melanie,
I'm very sorry to hear this. We'll keep your family in our prayers.

I had a miscarriage almost exactly two years ago, and although the pain really does subside, I'll find myself tearing up about it every so often. It's most poignant when talking to women who've also had miscarriages.

May Mary hold your little one in her arms.

So very sorry to hear of your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could say it more eloquently, but words fail me where prayers never do.

Your little one is not lost to you forever. I hope that helps, knowing that.

My prayers and condolensces to you and to your family, Melanie.

I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss. My prayers are with all of you.

I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Melanie, I'm so sorry. Keeping you in my prayers.

Melanie, you're very courageous to share these details of some of the very most meaningful, painful and vulnerable parts of your personal life. I am sure that good will result from your courage.

I am sorry for your loss, which can never be made up for in this world by this world's values.

I am impressed and inspired by your courage and faith.

Prayers coming your way.

I'm sorry. God knows what He's doing. Thank you for telling us, especially from your perspective, Melanie.

Praying for you.

Oh, Melanie. I haven't any words, really, but please know that you and your family are in my prayers.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
+ Many many prayers for all of you.

Prayers for you and yours.

You're in my prayers, too.

Sure wish I could bring you a casserole.

Melanie, there aren't words. I had a miscarriage last month and I blogged about it too.
I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry for your loss Melanie. Ditto on the casserole. Just know that there is a sisterhood that knows and understands your grief and we weep with you.

Melanie, I read your husband's blog more than yours, but, of course, feel as though I know you both a little. Your husband has mentioned a name... so I will pray for your little "Fran" who is in Mary's arms with my "Jess" and "Casey"... the latter named by big sister who was four at the time. Having a name does help. We are praying for you.

I'm sorry for your loss. I had 2 miscarriages when my daughter was 2. You're right, the amount of blood one can lose is scary!

My daughter was old enough to explain to her that the baby just stopped growing in my belly. I think she understood (well, maybe not). ;-)

Maybe the book Dom bought will be helpful/comforting to you too...

Melanie,
I'm so sorry for you and your family. My wife and I suffered through a miscarriage this summer (our first pregnancy), and we know the pain you are feeling. We believe we had a daughter, and we named her Grace Elizabeth. I hope she's playing in heaven with your precious little one Fran.

Oh, Melanie,
I am so terribly, terribly sorry. You and Dom have my prayers. I am so glad that that beautiful nurse, Mary, was there for you. I had an angel like that through one of my d&c's, and she was such a blessing.

Take care of yourself as you recover, and take as much time as you need to grieve ... and please email me if you'd like to talk ....

My condolences. You will be in my prayers and so will your child.

+ I'm late to this, Melanie, but am praying for you and your family. I know the pain, though we all deal in our own way. What binds us, besides the normal blow, is the suffering attached to losing what most of the world doesn't properly value. In that wise, it's a poignant embrace of a particular cross, an opportunity to do penance in this way for a restoration of respect for all human life. The child is secure, and your grief combined with Mary's is salvific. Prayers -- and tears for your loss.

I'm so very sorry to read this, Melanie. My heart goes out to you and Dom. You will be in my prayers.

I haven't been reading blogs lately, so I'm very late to your pregnancy news, and now this sad update. I'm so very sorry, and I'm praying for you and Dom. I know God's grace will keep you sustained, but it's a loss that never quite goes away. I will pray to your little saint in heaven for your family.

Melanie: I am so sorry for your loss... I don't know what to say other than I completely understand having had 3 miscarriages myself. It's difficult to understand the loss of unborn children unless it's happened to you. It's very traumatic especially if you are excited and imagining another wonderful baby to love and a delightful addition to your family.

Thank you for writing about your loss.

May you feel the comforting arms of our loving mother surrounding you and your family.
In prayer for your needs.......
Karen

My husband and I, who lost our first a year ago tomorrow, are praying for you. May the Holy Family send you comfort!

Thanks to everyone. I wish I had time and energy to write to each one of you individually to express my deep gratitude for your prayers. Please know that I am remembering all of you in my prayers, both those who have written and those who have prayed and not commented.

The peace of Christ which passes all understanding be with you all.

Melanie

I haven't read your blog in awhile and I don't think it's a coindence that I happened to do so tonight. You will be in my prayers. I had a miscarriage the first time I was pregnant and even though it was 18 years ago, I remember it like it just happened.

I got pregnant with my daughter (now 17+) right after that and though I often wonder about the first baby, my daughter wouldn't have been born -- would have been someone else -- so it's a big mind-boggling.

And then I had Caleb at age 45, when I thought I was too old. And then I had another miscarriage after him. One thing about being pregant -- you really get a vivid idea of what it means to be in God's hands.

I was lucky in that the doctor had warned me about the "black hole" of hormones about to descend on me, so I was somewhat prepared. But what I remember most is the emotional whiplash.

Like I said, you'll be in my prayers. Thanis for writing about all your blessings and therefore making me think about mine!

Mel, I don't have the words to say exactly the right thing. I didn't want that to stop me from writing and sending my love your way. I since such strength in your words. You are blessed by your strong faith and loving friends and family. Love, Cousin Wendy